Why Does my Stomach Hurt?

I’m not a doctor and I don’t even pretend to be one on tv so I don’t pretend to be qualified to answer the question “why does my stomach hurt?” But on the other hand, this is a very vague question which probably won’t produce a satisfying answer unless you get more specific in your symptoms. If you go to the doctor and tell them that your stomach hurts, the doctor is going to ask a bunch of follow up questions. The internet isn’t smart enough to do this - yet. Once it is we won’t have to go to the doctor at all as the internet will diagnose all of our diseases and even prescribe medication for us.

So, until you refine your search describing your particular symptoms you’ll have to settle some vague possibilities as to why your stomach might hurt. Probably not surprisingly, most of these involve eating.

Your stomach hurts because you ate a bag of nickels

It seemed like a good bet at the time but it turns out that eating $5 of your own change to win a $1 bet probably wasn’t a good idea. Not only will not probably never get all of your change back unless you poop into a bag for the next week but will you really want to use that money again? I personally recommend that any money you recover be given to pay off a debt to someone you don’t like. Odds are good that you’ll end up spending a lot of money getting your stomach pumped out before this is all over with however. But if you did eat a bunch of nickels for a bet, your better bet to make is that it is the source of your stomach pains.

Your stomach hurts because you’re a fatty

Have you looked around at the mall or park? There’s a lot of fat people. You might be one of them. And you don’t get that way without eating a lot. And if you eat a lot, you probably overeat as well. While the stomach may be capable of stretching just like a balloon, just like a balloon you can only put so much into it before you have problems. That seventh slice of pizza probably wasn’t a good idea even if you were too lazy to put it away in the fridge. (Personal experience says that it will be fine tomorrow morning if you leave it sitting on the stove anyway just as long as it’s covered in pepperoni grease. It’s a scientific fact that germs can’t grow in grease.)

Your stomach hurts because you’re dumb

Technically this statement applies to any of the other problems but this one is in reference to eating a lot of spicy food. Sure, people like spicy food and that’s fine. I don’t understand the point in eating something that makes you sweat and your eyes water but to each their own. Spicy food can burn a hole in your stomach literally and can cause heartburn and indigestion. So, if you like spicy food, just don’t be stupid with it. Or, eat some nails, what do I care?

Your stomach hurts because it’s not really your stomach

Yes, it might be your stomach that hurts or it could be a dozen other organs down there. Just because it’s below your rib cage doesn’t mean that it’s your stomach. There’s kidneys, liver, intestines, and all sorts of other stuff that could be hurting that’s not your stomach. I recommend that you have all of those organs removed in order to narrow down the source of the problem. If you’re still experiencing pain you either need to up the pain medication from your organ removal surgery or it really is your stomach that is hurting and not any of those other organs.

The best remedy for stomach pains

Of course if you really are having stomach problems this article hasn’t been a bit of help, unless of course it made you laugh. Laughter is the best medicine but I really don’t know what it’s supposed to help with if you were dumb enough to eat a bunch of nickels. In that case I think a lobotomy is the best medicine but what do I know, I’m not a doctor.